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if it quacks...

These characteristics apply to either gender.

Your bully is/has:

Emotional immaturity. Behavior is not age appropriate.

Self-centeredness. She comes first and foremost.

Is insincere about real interest in other people.

Little if any remorse for mistakes.

Poor judgment.

Unreliability, undependability, irresponsibility.

Inability to profit from experience – does not learn a lesson from making mistakes.

Inability to postpone immediate gratification – what she wants, she wants now.

Impulsive and demanding.

Conflict with, or defiance of, authority.

Lack of appreciation for the consequences of her actions.

Tendency to project her shortcomings on to the world about him – frequent blaming. Never at fault.

Little if any conscience.

Behavior develops little sense of direction – often uninfluenced by concepts of right and wrong.

Gives lip service to professed values and beliefs.

Often involved with illegal or unethical acts.

Shallow interpersonal skills – inability to experience and verbalize deep feelings and emotions.

Often insensitive to the needs and feelings of others.

Cannot identify with how others feel.

Ability to put up a good “front” to impress and exploit others.

Low stress tolerance with explosive behavior.

Can “con” to get what she wants to meet her needs, often at the expense of others.

Sees others as pawns on the chessboard.

Maneuvers people around for her purposes. When done with them, they are rejected.

Ready rationalization – rarely at a loss for words – twists conversation to divorce herself from responsibility.

When she is trapped, she just keeps talking or changes the subject, or gets angry.

Incapable of maintaining genuine loyalties to any person, group, or code.

Chronic lying.

Chip on shoulder” attitude – cocky and arrogant.

Cancels commitments without sound reason or warning.

A taker – not a giver. Gives for show but expects something in return.

Glimpses of integrity and emotion are seen – but short lived.

Gives you hope she’s changing, but returns soon to deviant behavior.

Lacks well-defined values.

Comes across initially as caring and understanding and reads others “like a book” because she makes it her business to know how to maneuver people.

n a trust relationship, she inevitably betrays and violates the commitments and gets blocked emotionally when gets too close to those she says she loves.

Angry mood most of the time.

Uses sex to control, cover her insecurity or make up after a fight.

Has no concept of open sharing of ideas, feelings, and emotions.

Conversation goes per his direction. She has the last word always.

She determines how, when, where we talk, and about what she wants to talk about.

Can show real tenderness of feeling, and then return to customary behaviors.

Two (or more) vastly different sides to her personality are seen.

Poor planner with time and activity.

Is very slow to forgive others.

Hangs onto resentment.

Excessively concerned with personal appearance, e.g., hair, weight, car he drives, clothes, having money to flash, career dreaming.

Seems to enjoy disturbing others.

Likes to agitate and disrupt for no apparent reason.

Feels entitled to the “good life” .

She never seems to get enough of what she wants.

She leaves others drained and confused.

Others get upset when in her presence.

There’s a feeling of guardedness, caution, and suspicion that she creates in others.

Moody – switches from nice to anger without much provocation.

Poor work history – quitting, being fired, and interpersonal conflicts.

Seldom expresses appreciation. Again, is thinking of her needs vs. needs of others.

Grandiose. Convinced that she knows more than other people and is correct and right in almost all she says and does.

Clueless as to how she comes across to others and to how she is viewed. Gets defensive when confronted with her behavior.

Never her fault. May be apologetic and seem sincere but soon repeats offensive behavior without appearing to have learned from it.

Motive for behavior is usually self-serving and she does not recognize it.

Can get very emotional, even tearful, but behavior is more about show or frustration rather than contrition or sorrow.

She breaks her partner's spirit to keep him dependent so he won’t be strong enough to leave her.

Thinks in terms of tearing people down vs. building them up.

Survives on threats, intimidation to keep others chained to her.

Sabotages anything that makes her spouse happy. Wants him to be happy only through her and to have few/ no outside interests/friends/family.

Possessive and controlling, Makes people account to her often about “who you were with, and what did you do”, etc.,

Rants and raves about what other people do with their lives.

You feel you have lost all personal freedom and you become focused on keeping peace in the relationship.

You are miserable and trapped. She often threatens suicide if you try to leave her. You live in fear of her next outburst.

Highly contradictory. She loves me, she hates me.

She threatens me, and then indulges our relationship or me.

She is always working somebody over – either subtly or aggressively.

Double standard. She is free to do her thing, but expects others to be what she wants them to be/do.

She doesn’t let others be themselves.

Convincing. Successful at getting other people to believe in her perception of a problem.

Is adamant that people side with her vs. allows them to fee/believe differently.

Hides who she really is from everyone.

No one really knows the real her.

Scorns everyone/everything that she disagrees with.

Does not allow for differences to be respected.

Difficult to pin her down to a certain level of integrity that you can live with.

Resists all efforts to define her values, behaviors, and stands.

Kind to you usually only if she’s getting from you what he wants.

She has to be right. She has to win. She has to look good.

She announces, not discusses. She tells, not asks.

You end up feeling responsible for the problem.

She gets to your feelings. No matter what, she wins- you lose.

She wins at the expense of your feelings.

Thinks only of the end result without considering your feelings, needs in the process.

Attitude of “I’ll meet your needs if you meet mine”. If you don’t, I’ll find someone else who will or I will not meet yours.”

Does not take responsibility for her behavior.

The hurt she describes is because she got caught or she’s mad that you’re mad, and not because she believes she made a mistake.

Secret life. You’re often wondering what she does or whom she is that you don’t know about.

Always feels misunderstood.

Most of the time you feel miserable living with this person. When it’s good you relish the peace but that is usually short lived.

She is so skilled at making a mountain out of a molehill and you become so tired of the conflict. It drains all of your energy, love, and hope.

Is usually through listening once she’s made her arguments.

We talk about her feelings, not yours.

Unchallenged by people because they seem to be put off by her, afraid of her or she eludes them.

Labels all mental health providers as “quacks” if she cannot out-smart them or if they figure her out.

Does not last long in therapy.

Try this one! – Ask her what behaviors or attributes she needs to overcome or change – expect denial or a lot of rambling words that mean nothing.

Expect “narcissistic rage” if called on her behavior.

Remember she can only love one person at a time – and that person is herself.

Poor listener. Easily distracted, avoidant, Changes subjects. Cannot reflect back with sincerity on what the other person has said.

The ultimate goal is to have power over others.

Copyright 1995-2006 J. Kent Griffiths-

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